Elizabeth - Crap.
Sarah - Nasal.
Jamie - Gorgeous.
Kim - Stonking.
Laura - Wigga.
David - Tuneless.
Danielle - Wet.
Leon - Saccharine
Becca - Flat.
Tarek - Twat.
I adore Jamie Tinkler, and would like to do many filthy things to and with him, which means he probably won't get through. He did seem like one of the best from the recaps, but of course, my objectivity is as shot to hell here as it always was with FA's Gary. The longer recaps provide further elucidation. David is gurning and doing hand movements. I loathe Leon's sub-Jacko performance. I saw Sarah's questionnaire thing, and while all of them are idiots, Sarah is abnormally thick. Becca hurts my ears. Sigh. Jamie has the cutest smile...
Jamie and Gary should form a double act. No singing, just wrestling in baby oil.
Ooh, I think they're at the Mongolian Barbeque in Covent Garden. Been there! Nice restaurant.
Ah, and Jamie hasn't got through. Arse. It's Fat Lass #2 and... Leon? But he's awful. Well, it does increase the chances of him doing porn. Every cloud has a silver lining.
My enthusiasm for Pop Idol is at a record low ebb. Will I even be bothered to follow it next week? Or at all? No cute guys, and no discernible talent in the eight that have gone through so far. What's the point? There isn't a Will or a Gareth among them. There isn't even a Sarah Whatmore. Or a Rik Waller.
Speaking of talentless, it's back to Fame Academy for the first song of the final heat from Alistair. He's singing I Would Give Everything I Own. Guess what? It's shite. As Watson says, when UB40 does it better, you know you're in trouble. Why can't they see it? Why can't they tell that he has a middling vocal ability, a total lack of stage presence, and a face like the arse end of a Christmas turkey? Carrie says that Alistair will shine in his 'oversaturated' corner of the pop market. I'm convinced she's being nice because it's politic. I don't think she can possibly believe that.
Ah, here's Alex. This show is going to be all troughs and peaks, eh? Alex is wearing another hideous top with torn sleeves and glitter. Watson had to convince me she had in fact changed tops from a blue one to a red one. I'm amazed two tops so ugly could ever have been vomited out into the world. Alex is doing Imagine. Yawn. Kinda blanked on that one, to be honest. I'm sure it was excellent, but like all former teens, I went through my Imagine phase years ago, and I just don't want to hear it anymore. It's 'the nation's favourite song', David tells us. Bloody nation.
B'Dingfield! Singing You're Not The One with Alistair, a song he's already song with Carolynne. Gay duets, that's what the world needs. But not with Alistair and B'Dingfield. Jamie and Gary, yes. Alistair and B'Dingfield, no. They're harmonising. It's like cats in a tumble dryer.
B'Dingfield and Alex doing I've Gotta Get Thru This, acoustic stylee. Pretty good, shockingly. Too much B'Ding, not enough Alex, but it was fast, it was lively, it sounded great. Having sung with both of them, B'Ding was asked for his opinions. He ignored Alistair completely and told the audience to 'vote for Alex'. My respect for La 'Ding has increased a zillionfold.
Next, the self-penned songs. Oh no, please not Bring It On. Oh, arse. I think Alistair is a decent songwriter, and he has potential, but this is about the fifth time I've heard this, and it's really grating on me now. It's very poppy, but it's quite the worst song he's written. Yeah, it could be very successful, especially if someone else was singing it - say, someone who sang through their mouth rather than their nose - but it's fucking irritating. David has delicately said that songwriting is where Alistair's future lies. Let it be.
Alex next, doing Is That What It Takes. Is this the one I like? No, haven't heard this one before, I don't think. I'm never good judging a song the very first time I hear the melody, to be honest, but this seems lovely. Probably an album number rather than a single. Richard Park is 'sincerely' moved. I'm not moved, but I could stand to hear that many more times.
Is that it? Are we done yet? 3.8 million votes, which is considerably more than they usually get, isn't it? The mood in the Academy definitely seems pro-Alex, but will that work for or against her? As I've always said, Alex has a career whatever the outcome - even Alistair's biggest fan on the BBC Three fan admitted as much, and said that's why we should vote for Alistair - so even if she loses, it's not a tragedy. But damn it, she deserves to win!
My 'let it be' comment turns out to be strangely prophetic, as they're now singing Let It Be as a duet. I swear, I didn't know this was coming. We used to sing this in school assembly. The phrase "mother Mary comes to me" has a certain cachet among the nuns, apparently. I'm almost as sick of saying this as you, loyal reader, but Alex sounds wonderful here, and Alistair is droning on. If he'd just stop and let the talent shine, this would be wonderful to listen to. It's just like school assembly, actually. There's always some twat droning on above the rest of the voices. Usually it's Mr Halligan, the art teacher. You know who else Alistair sounds like? Charlie, from the 'Charlie Says' adverts.
OK, now it's over. The votes have gone up to 4.5 in the last ten minutes. And the winner is... Alex! YES! YES YES YES YES YES! Yeeeeeeeees! Yes! Yes yes yes yes yes! Yes! Ohhhhh yes! Finally, a reality TV show produces a real talent! Oh, this is going to be a wonderful year. Oh yes yes yes!