We open with a shot of Kevin! On a Saturday! What's going on? People who only get the BBC1 footage will be wondering who he is. Ahh, it's because we're going to be seeing the Kevin vs Peter spat. All becomes clear.
I have a horrible feeling we're losing Carolynne tonight. However, there is no teacher vote so if Peter presents another 'shout and jump a lot' performance there's a chance the students will choose Carolynne over him. Let's hope. Ahh, and as Patrick announces that the phone lines are remaining open throughout the whole show any pretence of voting on performance goes out of the window. This'll give the early performers a bit of an advantage, though. Let's hope the girls go first.
Blimey, Carrie's discovered blow drying!
Ahh, as hoped, first it's..
Carolynne: I'm falling for Carolynne's hair. It's so glossy - always. Give the girl a L'Oreal advert. Anyway, performance: The mic misses the first line. I bet it's down to that same bloke that stuck his great bald head in the way of Alex's camera last week. Sack him! This is good; the song suits her voice. I hope it's enough to get the student vote - hell, I hope it's enough to get the public vote. Here's a surprise - Robin Gibb makes a bland comment and then doesn't really know why he said it. Oh, but he's eclipsed when Richard Park goes on about last year's winner. Shhh, Richard, don't remind them!
Peter: At the start of Peter's segment my mum asks, "So, is it just him and the two girls now?" No, I remind her, Alistair is still there too. She looks puzzled. "Who?" Well, exactly. Anyway - Peter. Peter needs to sing this week if he's going to pull this off and get the student vote. And blimey, he does. This is pretty good. I mean, for Peter. It could be a tight one, unless the students really are as sick of Peter as we are. Or, running with Carrie's logic, perhaps I'm just not cool enough.
Claudia's bit. I love you, Claudia. Ahh, Peter isn't coming off well this week. First the unflatteringly edited Kevin strop and now his 'fuck you!' attitude to his girlfriend. I can almost hear the resounding chorus of 'twat!' from living rooms all over the country. Yawn, some 'vote for me' videos. Oh, and the Capital Gold awards. Look at Peter! He's a rock star! See him arrive with the fag in his mouth and the shrug for the cameras? Wow, he's making jokes on stage! And signing breasts! There goes another chorus.
Alex: ..is friends with Alistair now? Oh wait, no. She's just started whinging so Alistair has obviously mistaken her for James. Whinge, moan, she feels left out. Deal with it, Alex. Oh god, what an awful backing track. It's too loud and manky by far. What a shame, because this is another fabulous vocal from Alex. She's battling on over the top of, what is that? Peas in a tin box and an old casio? Respect to her, because it was still bloody good. Richard Park says she's the only one with talent. Even Alex's mum is seen to mouth, "that's harsh". Carrie looks pissed off.
Alistair: And I thought we'd get through a week without having to see James. Curses! More evidence is presented that Alex and Alistair have become whinging buddies. Remember when I said that Alistair was growing on me? I disinfected. Now that James has gone I have room for an active dislike of him. Or maybe I just need someone to be nasty about. Anyway, this week Alistair looks like he's raided his older brother's wardrobe - the coat swamps him. This is actually a pretty bad vocal - it's so bland and... oh sod it, you already know what it is. It's Alistair by numbers. Why do people like him?
Onto the duets. Peter and Carolynne rub salt into the girlfriend's wounds by looking like they're having far too much fun up there. It's fun. Not very good, but fun. Alistair and Alex on the other hand... well, why can't Alex just sing it alone? She may as well be as Alistair's voice just doesn't hold up against hers.
Another recap? They're filling time now. Why not let them all sing two songs each? These duets aren't really working. Oh the group effort - well, it's not as bad as I expected and Carolynne and Alex do some nice harmonising. Now, their voices go well together. I hope Carolynne stays in. Please, public, show some sense this week?
Pop Idol results in a bit. Let's hope for a better crowd next week.