Tonight, the phone lines are remaining open throughout, which is an odd move. Make more money and damn the consequences? Or are they showing the contestants in order from least votes to most and hoping this will level things out a bit and make it more interesting? It's a theory. Let's see how it plays out. The other change is that there's no teacher vote, only a student vote, which is a shame. If there'd been a teacher vote, Alistair might be going home tonight.
Carolynne is up first, which fits my least-to-most-votes theory. On BBC Three, Carrie said that Carolynne was the only one not doing a classic song tonight, but I think I Don't Want A Lover is a bit of a classic, and a pretty good choice for oor lass. Ooh, very 80s backing noises, but they forgot to turn on the mike for a line there, and she still sounds too quiet. Have they checked the levels here? Is that a real thing, 'checking the levels', or is it one of those things technical people make up to fool non-technical people into thinking that they actually can't fix everything with a good kick? (You can fix everything with a good kick. Don't listen to their lies.)
Caz is wearing another all black ensemble, by the way, but it's a trouser and jacket combo, which isn't all that flattering. Same awful glitter eye make-up as last week, too, but less ostentatious this time. Liked that a lot. Love Carolynne's voice. Park didn't think it was good enough, but Carolynne's unfazed. Carrie and David are impressed. Robin thinks it lacked something. I'm not clear what, and neither is David. Lacked whiny blandness, perhaps? We all know who Robin's favourite is.
If my theory is correct, Peter is next. Who's next? Peter! Peter has been naughty this week. He's been arguing with Kevin. At the risk of enraging the block-caps troll who heckled me last week, Peter's turning into a total prima donna. I dread to think what he'll become if he ever does anything that actually earns him a bit of credit.
Peter's singing Something, the Beatles song. And it's alright, actually. Could have been a lot worse; easy to butcher a song like that. But he gave singing a go, and it was his best attempt yet. Not actually singing, but what can you do? You can't expect miracles. Park says he was as bad as Carolynne. I think we're getting a one-note performance from Park tonight. David says Peter has star potential, but the vocal was disappointing. Haven't heard that one before. Robin called it 'nice'. Either Carrie is sweating like a pig, or she's spilt glitter in her fake tan. Carrie thinks Peter's fans are too cool to vote. Not too cool to heckle me in block capitals, though. Snarf.
It's Winklemantime! It's the Peter/Carolynne love story, destined to be broken up tonight, and the soundtrack is... I Think We're Alone Now. We're also getting a recap of Peter's phone call from his girlfriend, in which he delivers the immortal line, "It doesn't really feel like we're going out anymore". Smooth, Peter, really smooth. That should cost him a few votes.
Next up, the students' tedious Vote For Me films. Peter does wacky. Carolynne does a recap of her 'vote me in to the Academy' film. Alistair gets the most screentime, like he needs it, doing his amateur dramatics comedy routine, complete with his David Brent dancing and his Richard Park impersonation. Stick with the classics, eh, Alistair?
And Peter and Carolynne go to 'the Capital Gold Awards'. What the hell are they? "This year's Best Song Originally Released In 1974 is..." Look, Diana Ross and Marti Pellow were there! Clare... erm... Clare thingy, that bird who used to be on Brookie, she likes Alex. That's nice. Thanks. Bob Geldof and his daughters are Peter fans. Woo! God, I hope one day I can go to the Capital Gold Awards.
I've just noticed that Cat is dressed as a Moulin Rouge dancer this week. Hoo-er!
Next is Alex, which fits my theory and fills me with fear and dread about Alistair's ever-increasing popularity. That's the danger of getting rid of James, you see. Not that there was any alternative. Alex is sick of the Carolynne/Peter relationship, we're told. Me too! Adulterers!
Alex is singing I'm Not In Love. Incidentally, on BBC Three I saw her recording a version of Mad World, which I'd been thinking would be a great song for her to do, so maybe that's next week's song. This is also a great choice for Alex. Going to stop typing.
Typing again. Duh. Good stuff, but not one of the all time great Alex peformances, in my view. Carrie's said, "Whether your voters vote more than once, I don't know", which is a blatant hint that she wants Alex's voters to vote more than once. So, Alex voters, vote more than once.
Alistair. We're playing the 'I voted out my best friend last week' card for Alistair. The devious little shit wants sympathy for stabbing James in the back. Remember, he was first to cast a student vote last week, but when he cast his vote for Peter he said 'Goodbye' to James. He knew damn well what he was doing. He claims James gave him the nod to vote for Peter, and had 'as good as said' he wanted to go home. James, in his BBC Three interview, made it absolutely clear that this was not the case. His nod to Alistair had been intended as a 'stick by me, mate' nod.
Alistair is doing Jealous Guy, and he's wearing a black velvet frock coat. Haven't we seen this coat before? It doesn't give him any presence, it rather swallows him up. It's a coat that says, "I must apologise for the person wearing me, but take heart. He may be bland and boring, but I am a black velvet frock coat, so it's not all bad news." I've just heard the transmission manager across the office gasp in horror and mutter, "This is terrible. John Lennon must be turning in his grave". Since I can't be objective about Alistair, I'll let her comments stand for mine.
Carrie liked it. I'm guessing she doesn't want him getting any sympathy votes tonight. She even shielded her 'you're bland' indictment with a 'but that was a really good performance'. Robin still loves him. David thinks it was his best performance ever. But there's no holding back Richard Park, who is putting the boot in again.
Recaps. Liked Carolynne the most tonight so far, but we have duets and the group song still to come. First up, the lovebirds Peter and Carolynne singing the marvellous I Only Want To Be With You. Originally they were going to sing Let's Spend The Night Together, but they complained that they didn't want to sing that in front of their parents. It wouldn't matter half so much if you weren't copulating in the cupboards, would it dearies? This is quite a nice rendition, their voices match quite well, and Peter's reaching for those notes and getting most of them. Fun. It's not Dusty, but it's not White Stripes either.
Alex and Alistair next, doing Everybody's Talking. Generally, every voice sounds good with Alex; she's a great harmoniser. But Alistair's not coming out of this comparison well, I have to say. This is a much more contained stage performance than the previous, unsurprisingly, but Alistair looks like he's having to put some effort in to remembering to perform at all, whereas Alex lets her natural magnetism do the work.
Teacher feedback again. David makes my point for me, that Alistair was straining and Alex was effortless. Patrick puts his foot in it by saying that maybe Carolynne and Peter do "only want to be with...", and then lets it trail off. Richard Park hates everything and everyone, especially chocolate, tropical beaches, and little lambs in springtime.
And finally, all four students sing California Dreaming. Great potential for droning in this song if the harmonies aren't right. And sure enough, they're droning. Peter is having a fit! Someone put a wooden spoon in his mouth, before he swallows his own to... actually, never mind. Alistair really is out of his league with the other three here. I don't know what the voters are seeing in him, but I'd hazard a guess at MOR safeness. Carolynne and Alex sound excellent together. Better than they did on Love Shack. Drop the boys, for heaven's sake! Wouldn't it be nice to have two women in the final? Wouldn't that be freakishly unusual for a reality show?
That's it. I had a little love. I'll be back for more. See you shortly, shorty.